Glory came back to my bedroom from the bathroom. We shared my toothbrush, when she asked me if she could use mine, I felt the urge to say I love you. Ich Liebe Dich. I didn’t know why but I felt like the two of us sharing my toothbrush gave us some closeness, a history maybe.
I feared that at any given time I may potentially ruin the moment, the night, my life. Why is it I can be unemployed or without a career, unhappy in various parts of my life but the prospect of a woman makes it all tolerable. If love is real then I suppose it is worth a shot, but I can’t trust myself. I know that much. Am I romantic or a paltry philanderer dressing up my lust in order to feel better about myself and my intentions. I felt love before, and I know lust but is one any more real than the other or am I a moron for trying to make distinctions. I knew one thing, I didn’t want her to leave. Any woman I ever loved, or believed I had loved I didn’t want them to ever leave. It was the women I didn’t love, or the women I wasn’t in love with anymore that after sex I just wanted them to leave. I wanted Glory to stay, I wanted her to stay for a long as she wanted.
She was wearing my red, rot, hooded sweatshirt with my initials on the front, just like the one I owned as a kid but slightly different. She kissed me and made a faint hmm sound. “I want to know more about you, too.”
“Do you,” I said.
“I don’t believe you have to live with so much unhappiness within you, Wilhelm. I don’t think you are a direct reflection of anyone. I think you are a good person. We are adults, accountable for our own actions, judged based on who we are now. Not who we were or where we came from. I want to do something with you.”
“Anal?” Glory shook her head no. “Sorry. Ok. Like what?”
“I mean let’s do something together. Let’s go on a trip or learn a language together. Take a cooking class or dance class. Break dancing, calypso whatever. We could learn sign language. Anything. I just want to be around you. I wish I could explain it.”
“Lets do all of it.” I said. “I’m on board for all of that.”
“Yeah?” said Glory, she lightly clapped twice. “I want to become more of a student of life. I want to learn about everything, and I’d like to learn all these things with you. Will you really go on auditions with me?”
“Yes. For sure. I said I would. I meant it. I think it would be fun. Interesting at least. You can’t resent me if I steal roles though.”
“Oh, definitely not. Can we travel? I feel like I haven’t seen anything.”
“I am in for anything and everything. The only problem would be funds. If I can save enough I would absolutely love to travel with you. I love staying in hotels. I like sleeping in strange places and sometimes I really enjoy sleeping in my clothes. Though the two are not exclusively linked. ”
“You look better without them.” Glory began to laugh but let out a huge yawn.
“You destroyed that compliment. Tired, are we?”
“Exhausted. Do you have work tomorrow?”
“Yeah. I don’t have to be up too early. We can go back into the city together after breakfast.” I got up to set my alarm, “be right back.” I went into the hallway and took the night-light that doubles as an air freshener. “I’m back”
“I was beginning to worry. What’s that?”
“Our fireplace.” I plugged it in and went to the desk and took orange and red markers. Orange und rot. And I drew a primitive looking fire along the light projected on the wall. I turned off the desk light, reminiscent of hieroglyphics.
“ Good thing. It’s so cold here. Come here. hold me.”
We laid there, I was the little spoon, my preference, with Pangur Ban down by our feet. The three of us on layers of old blankets and quilts that I’ve had for years, between a coffin, and walls, houses, countries, planets. Us, Glory and I in the center of everything.
“Where are we?”
“Well, wherever we are I’m thinking it’s winter time.”
“Yes. It has to be winter, so where could we be?” Glory said.
“We are in a cottage in Tipperary or in a cabin, in the Black Forest. Your decision.”
“Let’s go with the cottage.”
“Nice choice. Let me put more wood on the fire.” I took off my socks and threw them at the wall.
“Its so nice being here. Who’s cottage does this belong to? Give me some back story.” Glory rubbed my arm.
“My great great Nana.”
“It’s lovely here. I could live here. It feels like it would be a nice home. Doesn’t it? Do you feel at home here.”
“I don’t know if I feel at home anywhere. I suppose I have always felt out-of-place. I am pretty happy here with you at the moment.” There was no place on earth that felt like home to me.
“I want you to be happy. This is what I want. I like being with you. I like your mouth. I want us to always be forthcoming and open with each other. Let’s establish a friendship rooted in honesty. You said some things earlier that made me happy. I wouldn’t expect a guy to confess like that, maybe if he was lying, but you weren’t. I could tell. I don’t want to overwhelm you or freak you out but I watched you, too. You looked so lonely. Its funny, after you told me things, like how you stopped talking to your friends and how you feel lost, I got the impression you were a little melancholic. When you were alone, writing at the bar, you seemed down, but whenever you were engaged you livened up, right back to smiling and laughing. I kind of felt like you were mysterious in a way. There is a darkness. I guess I was attracted to that as well. I was curious about you. But you were remote, and I respected that. The truth was I just wanted to know you. I wanted to know who you were. I made up stories about you. I wondered if you were at all close to who I imagined you to be.”
“In a way you are. I don’t know why we feel the way we do sometimes. But I was intrigued by you. I thought about us, doing all sorts of wonderful things together. I felt like we could be absolute. I pictured us getting married. I know it is crazy.”
“No. It’s not. That’s normal. Do me a favor?”
“Get your things and get out! Nut job!” I pointed to the door.
“Ha. Stop it! It’s not that crazy. Is it? Want it to get crazier I have a list of baby names.” Glory laughed, and squeezed me.
“Who doesn’t? We can be superlative. I’m fine with that.” I had a list too.
“I confess I feel so very foolish saying these things out loud, but I have thought them. It’s true. I attribute it to possessing an over active imagination and not so much as an obsession of you.’
“Officer, the woman was obsessed I had to. Does anyone know your here?” pew pew. I imitated shooting her.
“Creeps. I want to be where you are as long as you want me to be there with you.”
“Huh? I want you here. With me. I’m skeptical and weary of amorous relations but I’d rather try and fail then not try at all. I’m trying to think differently, maybe its maturity finally setting in, if we tried and it failed, I wouldn’t perceive it as a waste of time but more of a lesson. I’d be grateful for it.”
“I require your mouth to be close to mine whenever we’re together.” We kissed.
“There is going to come a time when I rue this day and wished it never happened.”
“You don’t know that.” She raised a fist to me in jest.
“I don’t know anything. But I do know this is going to end catastrophically, everything does.”